A few minutes into the test, the technician called for a nurse, who took one look at the monitor and then called for a doctor, who called in a colleague. As it turned out, my beautiful baby girl had a form of dysplasia, which causes stunted bone growth and a lack of lung development. I was taken to the delivery room and she was stillborn twelve hours later. Oh, I was devastated beyond imagination!
The doctor counseled me to wait several months before trying to conceive again. During this time I questioned God. Why would He put me through this…someone who so badly wanted to be a mother? I struggled to be happy for my friends, who seemed to birth babies at every turn, without any problems at all. I felt defeated and yearned to hold the baby I’d lost. I also carried a good deal of guilt, and wondered if there was anything I had done to contribute to the deformities and stillbirth. The days were long, the nights longer, and doubts plagued me. I called out to God and waited for an answer. One verse I leaned on during this time was ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. But in all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct you path.’
Nearly a year later, I became pregnant again, and I turned to God to vanquish the fears that almost consumed me. Would I have the same problem again? Would I lose another beautiful child? The same doctor who had helped me conceive and had counseled me through the loss, stayed with me every step of the way. I truly believe he was an angel sent from God. He delivered a healthy baby girl…my precious Danni.
Nearly nineteen years have passed since my heartbreaking loss, and my faith has grown stronger with each step and breath I’ve taken over the years. I have learned that although I may not understand, God always has a plan. And on the days Danni and I (who just turned seventeen) fail to see eye to eye on things, I remember the blessed journey I traveled to have her, and continue to count my blessings and thank my wonderful Redeemer for His patience and unfailing grace and healing along the way.